Most fathers will refuse anything that looks, sounds or feels like a nappy. What they accept is underwear that looks like the pairs already in his drawer, in his own size, with the protection sewn inside, arriving in a plain box. This page is for the daughter, son or wife doing the searching: what to buy, which size, what to say, and what to do when he says no.
You are not the only one running this search. "Sorry, wife with dumb question here, about underwear" is a real thread title on the prostate-cancer forum. "Does anyone have a recommendation for washable incontinence underwear for a large man?" is a real question on a caregiver forum, and nobody answered it. Here is the answer.
Why he refuses Depends, and why that is reasonable
Read the caregiver forums and the same sentence appears in a dozen forms: he rips them putting them on, he takes them off at night, he will not wear them out of the house, he says he does not need them. Underneath every version is the same thing. A pull-up is a product for a patient, and he is not ready to be a patient. That is not stubbornness; it is a man protecting the last thing that is still entirely his.
The men themselves say it plainly on their own forums: "I've worn boxers for decades and these pull-up style underwear are driving me nuts." "I am extremely self conscious and slightly embarrassed to wear the depends but I do it." The fix is not a better argument. It is a product he does not have to argue about.
What to buy
Washable underwear with the absorbent core sewn into the garment. From the outside it is a pair of black or grey briefs or boxer briefs. There is nothing to insert, nothing to pull out, nothing to throw away, and it goes in the laundry with everything else.
| His situation | Style | Capacity | Sizes |
|---|---|---|---|
| Larger leaks, after prostate surgery, long days out | M96 boxer brief with fly | 250 ml | XS–6XL |
| Moderate leaks, urge leaks, the biggest size range | M66 brief | 200 ml | XS–8XL |
| Dribbles, a few drops a day, likes a fly | M65 brief with fly | 150 ml | M–2XL |
If he has always worn boxers, the M96 boxer brief is the one he will recognise. If he has always worn briefs, the M66. If you do not know, look in his drawer; that is the answer.
Washable incontinence underwear for a large man
The M66 runs to 8XL and the M96 to 6XL, measured on waist, and the absorbent panel is proportioned to the size rather than stretched. Measure his waist with a tape at the natural waistline rather than reading the label on trousers he has owned for ten years; the size guide has the numbers per style. Between sizes, take the larger one for comfort.
What if he has dementia and pulls at whatever he is wearing?
Carers on the Alzheimer's Society forum describe wanting "pants where the pad is not accessible". A sewn-in core is exactly that: there is no pad to find, pull at or remove, and the garment goes on and off like ordinary underwear, which is a movement he has done every day of his life. What washable underwear does not do is handle a full void or a heavy night; for those, a disposable at night and a washable brief by day is the combination most families settle on. Ease of dressing matters more than capacity here: a brief he can pull up himself beats anything with tabs.
How to bring it up without the word "diaper"
Do not bring it up. Put the pairs in his drawer, in his size, and say one sentence if you say anything: "These are like your normal ones but they catch the leaks." No product name, no explanation of layers, no "for your incontinence". If he asks, the answer is that they are underwear. If he does not ask, better still.
Three things make this work. The plain box: nothing on the outside says what is inside, and the delivery can be addressed to you. The look: a black brief is a black brief. And the 60-Day Confidence Guarantee: he can wear one pair for 60 days and keep it either way; the unworn rest can go back. That means the worst case is one pair he ignored, not a drawer full of something he will not touch.
"He smells of urine and I don't know how to say it"
A wife on the prostate-cancer forum: "He wears liners and the men's underwear/depends. The issue is anytime I am near him I smell urine." Two causes, both fixable. A pad or pull-up worn past its capacity smells; a washable brief changed once a day and washed properly does not, because the core is rinsed and washed rather than sitting in a bin. And fabric softener, which most households use, coats absorbent fibres and traps residue; leave it out of his wash and the smell goes. The routine is in how to wash leak-proof underwear. You can say "these need washing without softener" without ever saying why.
How many to buy
Six to eight pairs for a man who changes once or twice a day with a wash every two or three days. If you are doing his laundry daily, six is plenty. Start with a 3-Pack, which arrives with a fourth pair free, to check the size and see whether he wears them; then the 6-Pack. Our how-many-pairs guide has the arithmetic.
What it costs against the boxes of disposables
Three disposables a day is roughly $820 a year at typical US retail. Eight washable pairs are a one-off purchase rated for 200+ washes. The cost comparison shows the arithmetic and the two cases where disposables still win: heavy nights and no laundry access.
If he has just had prostate surgery
The first two weeks after the catheter comes out are disposable territory; from week three a washable brief takes over by day. The phase-by-phase guide is what to wear after prostate surgery. It is written for him, and it is the page to send if he would rather read it himself.
Common questions
What incontinence underwear will my dad actually wear?
Washable underwear with the core sewn in, in the style he already wears: a boxer brief if he has always worn boxers, a brief if he has always worn briefs. It looks like his own underwear, has nothing to insert or remove, and arrives in a plain box.
My father refuses to wear Depends. What can I do?
Stop offering a pull-up. Put washable briefs in his drawer in his size and describe them as underwear that catches leaks. The 60-Day Confidence Guarantee means one pair worn is the most you risk. For a full void or heavy nights, a disposable at night with washables by day is the usual compromise.
Is there washable incontinence underwear for a large man?
Yes. The M66 brief runs XS to 8XL and the M96 boxer brief XS to 6XL, both measured on waist. Measure rather than guess from old trouser labels.
What is easiest for someone with dementia to put on?
A brief with the absorbent core sewn in, worn like ordinary underwear, with no pad to pull at and no tabs. Pair it with a disposable at night if nights are heavy.
How do I get the urine smell out of his underwear?
Rinse worn pairs in cold water, wash without fabric softener or dryer sheets, and change before the core is saturated. Softener is the usual cause of a smell that survives the wash.
Will the package say what is inside?
No. Orders ship in a plain box with nothing on the outside indicating the contents, and can be addressed to you rather than to him.
Written by Laura Hopson, founder of Maven Nove. Last updated 10 September 2026.